Can I Be Honest

What if I spoke w/ complete honest-ness
What if told you that I've broken some promises
I dealt with pride ever since a little kid
I've comprised and I've doubted like Thomas did
I can't hide though he sees the way I live
Every single time I told every little fib
I can't deny cause he's already knowing this
But to my wife I regret the time that I've missed
I've been on the road when I really should've been home
Been on the phone and took calls I should've left alone
I shouldn't have done that see I want you to know
I should've been with you then out trying to get dough
I still got issues that's hard to let go
Still got some bitter situations with a few folks
Still got a temper that I work hard to control
I gotta remember your standard that's the goal

Can I be honest?
Can I be real?
Would they still just to how I feel?
But if I was honest ?
If I was real?
Would they even care about how I feel?
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kj_52/can_i_be_honest.html ]
I've wanted to get back at those who tried to doubt me
I've wanted to hit back every time they tried to clown me
I've said some things about those that tried to down me
I've been too hard on some people that's been around me
I'm a workaholic addicted to the game
Plus sometimes I've been addicted to the fame
I look deep inside things that I'm ashamed
Still the little kid conflicted still in pain
I'm so grateful when I think though how you found me
I used to be hateful of everything that's around me
I'm so thankful of the way that you still surround me
So shameful yet you love me still confounds me
See I've put myself first
I've gone days sometimes without reading your word
I've acted like a huge jerk
Yet you still love me that's the thing that I've learned

Sometimes I dumb down to sell a few records
Didn't do it though just to get a little cheddar
But looking back I could've made some of my songs better
Hindsight is 20/20 so I'm like whatever
But I regret some of my broken relationships
No matter how hard I've tried to just make em fit
And I don't blame myself and I'm not blaming them
But too many up in my life have just came and went
I'm not perfect I serve a God who is
I serve a God who lives who says that I'm his kid
When I shoot for the mark but I shoot and miss
I serve a God who gives a new start and he forgives
And takes every thing I ever did
Then he throws it in the sea of forgetfulness
See I'm just being honest I hope your getting this
Cuz he's my promise the reason that I live

Crashing Down

These back steps are steeper to the ground
The brightest stars are falling down
I’m walking the edge, walking the tightest rope
We can be frank, reality rips on through, rolling like a hurricane
I’m over the bridge and under the rain
If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way
What am I doing here
If you’re not with me
What have I got to live for, if it’s just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
When gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart
You come crashing down
Crashing down
These four walls are closing in on me
The talk is louder than I’ll sing
I want to be there, want to be where you are
but you know it all, Every look and smile that aren’t meant to break
I’m over the bridge and under the rain
If everything’s falling, if everything’s changed
If I’m in the open, if I’m in the way
What am I doing here
If you’re not with me
What have I got to live for, if it’s just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning, back to the start
When gravity’s pulling, you’re still holding my heart
You come crashing down
Crashing down
And you say that everything is different, why don’t we just hold on
And you say that everything is different, why don’t we just hold on
Crashing down

-Mat Kearney

"Praise Him! Praise Him! Tell of His excellent greatness"

Hi friends,

I wanted to get a post in here. I miss writing. My blog has become my journal in a lot of ways. Which makes me sad because I'm not writing it down in my journal, but at the same time, I'm writing it down *somewhere*, so that's good.

The past few days have been pretty crazy for me. Christ is continuing to break down on my self reliance, and it hurts a lot. See I had this thought- this thought that I would have it easy after the ACT was over because I wouldn't have to study.

Apparently laziness was on the agenda, too.

I found out on Monday that I needed to get a new Quickbooks' file to Kim and that I needed to get it ASAP. I avoided it until I came in on Tuesday, then found out that I was going to need to enter all of the transactions from the end of September to the end of December. Do you know how many that is?

Well it's actually a lot.

So I pretty much told my boss that I hated him and then went for a walk to pray.

Then got the number down to 299 and decided to call it a night and go spend some time with A. and her family. I had a very lovely time.

Then it was Wednesday.

Wednesday almost beat Monday.

So it started off really, really well. I prayed about the day a lot, spent a lot of time focusing on getting things done, making them run as smoothly as possible. Especially since my boss was going to be gone from the start of the day until around 2.

I went in with a great attitude, jumped on the pile of things to do, and saw the bottom of the pile quickly. It was starting off beautifully. I started off with cleaning, then got the orders printed, sorted, specs taken down and put up for Josh, called Josh to ask him to come in an hour early, got all of the computers that Josh needed out and ready for him to get ready to ship, took care of some tasks that my boss had asked me to do, etc. Ben got there, Josh got there, and then Issac got there five minutes late. I was just about to click the send button on the phone to "yell" at him for not being there yet.

Ben got started on the things he needed to do on the website, Josh got started on the computer, and Isaac got sent out the door to do a service call in St. James.

I'm telling you, I was on top of things.

Ha. Then Isaac got back, Ben needed passwords I didn't have so I had to text Mike and ask him for them, Josh started having problems with acronis, Isaac didn't know which computers to start on, and the calls went out to Mike. But then they calmed down, I got down to around 150 transactions, finished entering all of the checks, went and got packing peanuts and stopped at Staples to get a few things. I got back and the day started to fall apart.

Which I can't tell you this part. But something bad happened and we didn't loose, but we didn't gain.

Fail. Fail. Fail.

It wasn't my fault, but I was there when it unfolded which is in itself, enough.

I wanted to puke, I finished up things before lunch, took a call from my boss about how things were going, got him feeling a little bit better after the disaster, told Isaac that I was actually *going* to puke if I didn't eat lunch, and then left to have it.

The afternoon went as follows:

Called A.

A. returned the call.

Drank an orange soda.

Sat out in the shade with my feet in the sun while I talked to A.

Got a call from my Mama that exposed some sick information and was scared for the afternoon.

Told A. said information about a certain person I used to see three days a week.

Wanted to sob.

Ended lunch break.

Tried to get Josh moving on computers because we needed to be moving FASTER.

Tried to do more QB and failed.

Watched my boss walk in the door.

Prepared myself for the horrible afternoon that was about to unfold.

Made the deposit.

Didn't want to come back from doing the deposit.

Watched Josh get "talked" to about the slow progress.

Watched Isaac get "talked" to about the slow progress.

Wanted to go home.

Watched a mess up unfold that had to do with Josh.

Wanted to go home.

Tried to think of something to make it better.

Failed.

Watched my stress level go up to 900. ("And my cholesterol went up to 900!")

Got an apology from my boss for causing my stress level to go up to 900.

Watched my boss apologize to Josh for getting upset with him.

Did something that I don't remember

Watched Josh leave for the day for not making enough progress.

Watched Isaac leave for the day since he was leaving at 3am for Iowa.

Cracked down on the orders and knocked out over half of them with my boss.

Got the boxes out the door for the FedEx drivers. (Julie is AWESOME.)

Found out about an order mistake.

Got bad feedback on Amazon from said mistake. (Which is now gone, because as soon as we caught it, we got with the customers *right* away and they were really happy.)

Packed.

Packed.

Packed.

Packed.

Got a call from A.

Packed.

Packed.

Packed.

Made 23,000 shipping labels.

Enjoyed getting to have A. come.

Put said shipping labels on the boxes.

Cleaned.

Watched A. clean.

Watched A. try to fix the shredder that I broke.

Watched my boss laugh at A. for trying to fix that failure of a shredder.

Said goodnight to my boss.

Tried to fix the shredder with A.

Went to Radio Shack with A.

Went to KFC for dinner with A. At like 8:45.

Went to Walmart.

Saw the Hamachers.

Went to the gas station with A.

Went to get the car at work.

Said goodbye to A.

Went and got gas for the car.

Drove home and chatted with my Mama.

Arrived home safely and went to sleep.

So the point of that was to show you in a weird way how my day unfolded. But the reason for showing you that was to show you God's huge mercy.

My day started out with Christ. It had Christ in the middle. It ended with Christ.

He is with me always and forever. Even when my stress level was up to 900 and I wanted to be done with it, He was there and holding me safe.

He loves me *so* much. He protected me from so many things. He blessed in *so* many ways.

So even though your day may or may not have been rough, Jesus is there. Just like always, and making things work according to His will.

Have a beautiful weekend, friends. Enjoy His love and praise Him forever.

Elizabeth

A... Monday. Just a Monday

ASJfkBF!

Today was yucky.

I think that I'm glad it's never going to be here again.

Mostly because I was in *such* a horrible mood the entire day, and therefore, it doesn't need to come back.

I hate my sick little sinner of a self. I don't know why today was bad, and that's most of the horrid part. I hate not understanding why I feel like that.

Wait a minute.

I felt like I did because I'm a sinner. I'm so self-centered, I'm *exhausted*, I'm feeling pressure, I'm tired of the daily grind, I'm tired of messing up and forgetting. I'm just *me*.

And sometimes I get really sick of myself. Which is unfortunate for those around me because I spend the entire time fighting myself.

I was dead by 9 this morning. 8:45, actually. I kept looking at my computer clock- wishing it was noon so I could leave and have some quiet time for an hour.

Ha. Three and a quarter hour away.

So I jumped the gun and told my boss that I needed five minutes. Which turned into more than forty five minutes, because I walked out the door just as the sky was turning black. I went to the tunnel by TJ and paced back and forth, back and forth for the entire time. It poured, it hailed, it'd was misty and windy, and I got fresh air and quiet time.

I was telling a friend in a note that I think God gave me that storm. My heart was so heavy and in need of so much prayer. I sat in the tunnel, trying to think of what was wrong with me, what I wanted, where I wanted to go.

But you know the truth of my hearts desires? My heart desires Christ. Because He saved me and works in me each day. Even when my days are full of so much selfishness, He is using that to teach me *so* much. What was wrong with me? Sin. What did I want? Christ. Where did I want to go? To heaven.

My heart aches to be done. But I don't get to be the one who decides that.

Sadly, my day didn't get better. I went back inside, ignored communication and eye contact as much as I could while still working, and just barely passed the day. Sometimes God doesn't show you why you're in such a crummy mood during it.

Oh wait- if He did, then you wouldn't be in a crummy mood.

So friends, pray for my aching heart. Pray that I will rest in Christ alone. He is my strength, not myself. He is every desire my heart longs for.

I love you all so very much. You're so dear to me.

Elizabeth

Well that was depressing.

So I just sort of took the practice test.

Ha.

What a joke.

Now I'm seeing the whole, "I'm freaking out because I am sooo not prepared" part of this dumb test. It was humbling, I can give it that.

I hate standardized tests. Hate them. The point of education to me is learning, and when they cram you under time restraints it doesn't fly with me. Now I'm to the point of shutting out everyone in my life and studying for the next week and a half.

Oh wait.

That won't work.

I have to go to work. And not just going in at 8 and leaving at 5 or whatever, it means, every single day I'm thinking about it, checking my work email and doing things from home, checking out online sales, checking up on customers who haven't paid, doing customer service emails, requesting feedback, dealing with bad feedback, doing Quickbooks. Oh wait, I get to take the ACT AND be under a "We're starting fresh so have it done by the end of the week" deadline. Translation: every bit of money that has gone in and out since January one is put in to our Quickbooks and I have to go through and match every transaction, make sure it's in the correct account, try and figure out what certain downloaded names are so I know what to put them under, go through bank statements, and then deal with the other part of work that I mentioned above. With my boss chiming in every fifteen minutes with something new that needs to be done.

This is when you get to laugh and think about how reality has to show up once day. I know. But that doesn't mean it doesn't stink.

This is when I want to ask what the purpose is. I mean, if I sit down and think about it, I KNOW what the purpose is. Because the purpose in every situation is to bring the glory to God. Not to me.

So I'm sitting here and having a breakdown about everything that's going on in my life and wondering how I'm going to make it through the next two weeks.

It's simple.

God will provide. He is all and completely everything I need. If I totally botch this test, HE is bigger. He knows. He uses things as lessons. He *loves* me. I hate sin. It causes so much junk. I'm such a sinner and when I sit down and see how truly sick and disgusting I really am, it hurts. I'm so prideful and selfish and when God shows me that He's bigger, better, and is all I need, it means that my pride gets shoved to the back. Which is the best thing, but that's not to say that it doesn't hurt like crazy.

I'm seventeen years old. I'm not perfect or anywhere near it. I'm not going to have it all together or under control. I wouldn't, even if I was the at the "perfect" maturity. I only get anywhere in Christ alone. Because He is my light, my strength, my song.

Listening to this song again.

Oh

I just wanna be/I just wanna be
Closer to Your heart/You will find me there
Everything I am/It’s because of You
It’s because of You/And now, we sing
Tonight/I’m giving You all of me
Tonight/I let go of everything
Tonight/I’m giving You all of me
Tonight/Tonight/Tonight
I give You all of me

Verse 1:
(Flame)
Let’s pray
Dear Father in the name/Of Your holy Son
I desire like Jesus/Prayed for us to be one
I desire to give/I desire to serve
I desire to love/Others with more than my words
Bless me to be humble/Bless me to be meek
I want to be a joy/When people come around me
Give me a gentle spirit/Bless me to be content
Please keep me from my sin/Let me quickly repent
Please give me discipline/Give me self control
To know when to stop/And when to say no
Make me a bold witness/Please remove fear
Replace it with faith/Pour out Your spirit here
Fill me up Lord/Let me overflow
Let me overdose/Make me holy/Keep me close
I want to give it all/Until there’s none left
But I can’t beat You givin'/Look at Your Son’s death

Blessings to you.

Bethan

Happy Birthday

Today Amy would have been 30. <3

My day was wonderful. Just. ah. God is sooo cool.

Normal day of work. A bit stressful, but God has been smoothing things out so nicely for me. I love my job so much.

After work Abby came. We hung out and laughed with the guys for about a half and hour, went to grab the pizza, and then came out and had a "dysfunctional family dinner". :) Ha. I love those people.

Isaac had to get back to work, and Mike, being himself, didn't really get involved. Because, just... eh. That's him. Abby and I sat and talked for a couple of hours, Mike occasionally chimed in until he left.

Then guess what? My brother showed up. Abby had gone ahead and told me because he was late and she thought that he just didn't have time to stop by, but then he called her and said that he was and she felt SO bad for telling me. I almost started *sobbing*. No one ever surprises me like that, and Abby arranged for him to come by and see me on Amy's birthday. :')

So in short- Today was beautiful. God amazes me with how he takes care of me. I am so crazy blessed.

Happy 30th birthday, Ame. You are my hero. I can't wait to see you.

Love,

Your Bethan. <3