Well that was depressing.

So I just sort of took the practice test.

Ha.

What a joke.

Now I'm seeing the whole, "I'm freaking out because I am sooo not prepared" part of this dumb test. It was humbling, I can give it that.

I hate standardized tests. Hate them. The point of education to me is learning, and when they cram you under time restraints it doesn't fly with me. Now I'm to the point of shutting out everyone in my life and studying for the next week and a half.

Oh wait.

That won't work.

I have to go to work. And not just going in at 8 and leaving at 5 or whatever, it means, every single day I'm thinking about it, checking my work email and doing things from home, checking out online sales, checking up on customers who haven't paid, doing customer service emails, requesting feedback, dealing with bad feedback, doing Quickbooks. Oh wait, I get to take the ACT AND be under a "We're starting fresh so have it done by the end of the week" deadline. Translation: every bit of money that has gone in and out since January one is put in to our Quickbooks and I have to go through and match every transaction, make sure it's in the correct account, try and figure out what certain downloaded names are so I know what to put them under, go through bank statements, and then deal with the other part of work that I mentioned above. With my boss chiming in every fifteen minutes with something new that needs to be done.

This is when you get to laugh and think about how reality has to show up once day. I know. But that doesn't mean it doesn't stink.

This is when I want to ask what the purpose is. I mean, if I sit down and think about it, I KNOW what the purpose is. Because the purpose in every situation is to bring the glory to God. Not to me.

So I'm sitting here and having a breakdown about everything that's going on in my life and wondering how I'm going to make it through the next two weeks.

It's simple.

God will provide. He is all and completely everything I need. If I totally botch this test, HE is bigger. He knows. He uses things as lessons. He *loves* me. I hate sin. It causes so much junk. I'm such a sinner and when I sit down and see how truly sick and disgusting I really am, it hurts. I'm so prideful and selfish and when God shows me that He's bigger, better, and is all I need, it means that my pride gets shoved to the back. Which is the best thing, but that's not to say that it doesn't hurt like crazy.

I'm seventeen years old. I'm not perfect or anywhere near it. I'm not going to have it all together or under control. I wouldn't, even if I was the at the "perfect" maturity. I only get anywhere in Christ alone. Because He is my light, my strength, my song.

Listening to this song again.

Oh

I just wanna be/I just wanna be
Closer to Your heart/You will find me there
Everything I am/It’s because of You
It’s because of You/And now, we sing
Tonight/I’m giving You all of me
Tonight/I let go of everything
Tonight/I’m giving You all of me
Tonight/Tonight/Tonight
I give You all of me

Verse 1:
(Flame)
Let’s pray
Dear Father in the name/Of Your holy Son
I desire like Jesus/Prayed for us to be one
I desire to give/I desire to serve
I desire to love/Others with more than my words
Bless me to be humble/Bless me to be meek
I want to be a joy/When people come around me
Give me a gentle spirit/Bless me to be content
Please keep me from my sin/Let me quickly repent
Please give me discipline/Give me self control
To know when to stop/And when to say no
Make me a bold witness/Please remove fear
Replace it with faith/Pour out Your spirit here
Fill me up Lord/Let me overflow
Let me overdose/Make me holy/Keep me close
I want to give it all/Until there’s none left
But I can’t beat You givin'/Look at Your Son’s death

Blessings to you.

Bethan