Late evening ramblings...

I tried to convince myself about 200,000,000 times to go to bed and not stay up and write, but since it's been before Christmas since I've posted, I thought I should probably say something on here... Now if I can figure out what... I should have skipped that milkshake. I was tired earlier...

Last night we watched The Secret Life of Bees. I liked it. I thought it was really good. It had a few spots, but overall, I really enjoyed it. By spots I mean, like strange, odd. Anyway, there was this part when the sister dies. I almost started sobbing. I did *start* to tear up and would have started sobbing if I'd let myself. It was really sad. When Lilly wakes up after that night, I remembered waking up after the day Amy died. It's one of those mornings when the day before something awful has happened. You sob and pray half of the night that it could just be un-done, but then the next morning, you wake up and you have those few seconds of peace. And then the world comes crashing back in and you can hardly bear opening your eyes because they're so swollen from the previous night of sobbing. I remember the night after Amy died. When I would lay awake begging God to bring her back and take me away. So she could be the Mama to her baby. I ached. I was never mad at God for taking her away. Because I know that He has a reason for taking her away. And more and more every day I see a little bit of why He did. Even if my heart wants to break from it all. I miss her. And with her being gone for two years and four months this past Sunday, it does get easier, as upset as that makes me. Because Christ brought peace to my heart about it. Every day I wish that she could be Gray's Mama, but never, ever do I wish her back here on this evil, horrible earth. So instead of my wishing her to be here, I wish myself to be there. Do I sound morbid and horrible for thinking that? I hope you don't think so. What could be better than longing for Heaven? To be at peace for ever and ever and in the presence of our Creator is wonderful. I feel so very privileged to be saved by His grace. To know that I'll be with Him forever and with my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. How could anyone want something different? He is so incredibly good. That part in the movie just reminded me of the pain. Of how much I miss her. I miss her laugh. Her smile. And being sick a few weeks ago with the stomach flu made me think of her. Of how for so long- every day she felt like that. Just aching and she was so good. When she was home from the hospital she was so amazing. Even though she was hurting so very badly, she would still play blocks with her baby. She would still sing him the song she wrote for him while he would snuggle and fall asleep in her lap or next to her, underneath of her teddy bear blanket. I miss my sister. Every time I write a status on Facebook about how I'm going to do something with my sisters, I stop myself. And I almost always try to write their names. Because Amy wasn't with us. So I can't bring myself to tell my friends that my sisters and I hung out all evening playing games and talking. Because we weren't. It was just Emma, Christi, and I. I miss her.

I think I shall go to bed a cry for awhile.

6:00 will come quickly and I'll kick myself for not going to bed. Instead I stayed up and put you through some of the pain that I am feeling at the moment.

I'm sorry, Kay.

I love you.
Lizzie-Beth <3